tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central December 5, 2013 9:30am-10:01am PST
captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> stephen: whooo! welcome to the report, everybody. yeah, i like it. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: welcome to tonight's episode of the report, everybody. thank you so much. please, ladies and gentlemen, good to you have in there, out there, all around the world, folks. hi am so glad to be alive. what a time to be in the news biz. i mean between the holidays, come on. events are unfolding all over various places. yesterday fox news's the five held a round table on a houston school administrator who said its students dressed like hoes.
and over on cnn jake tapper's lead story was about doing bob dylan for something he said two years ago. so those stories are covered. and you know where things are always happening? >> washington d.c. where congress only has ten workdays left. so you know there's going to be a flurry of activity as they pack for vacation. because, folks, this congress has earned a very special distinction. >> the 113th congress is about to go down as the least productive in our american history. >> if you can believe it only 55 bills have been sign mood law this year, that makes this the least productive congress ever. >> the least productive congress in the history of the american republic. >> it literally is a do-nothing congress. >> stephen: oh, that's not fair. they're doing something. they're getting into the guinness book of world records. and folks, that makes it twice, if you count john boehner's fingernails.
now it's not easy. now sure, the 113th hasn't passed a bills every congress does like a highway bill or defense bill or farm bill or a budget. but i mean what do we need a budget for. clearly not for highways, defense. or food, they did pass a bill ensuring people can fish on dams near the cumberland river and passed deep cuts in food stamps for the poor which is good solid governing because the poor don't need food stamps any more now that they can fish near dams on the cumberland river. remember, remember the old saying, give a man a fish will eat for a day. take away his food stamps, maybe he won't. (laughter) and folks, i'm excited-- i'm so excited to have others report that there's been an even bigger bipartisan achievement. >> congress is about to shell out $55 million to pay for retirement benefits for
a group of chimpanzees. the 300 chimps are part of a research testing facility who are being sent to a habitat in louisiana to live out the rest of their lives. the money will be used to provide the animals with housing, food and medical care. >> stephen: that's right. the government is paying for research chimps to retire to louisiana. because not even psychologically scarred aprils want to live in floor-- airports want to live in florida. nation-- (applause) big sunshine state fans tonight. nation, this is great news. because it means congress can agree on a social safety net as long as it's not for human beings. and if they're willing to reward research chimps with curby retirement, i see no reason why we shouldn't just offer the same deal to our elderly. as long as we can use them for medical experiments first. face it, come on, face it.
they already swallow whatever pills you put in the tray. and since we won't need chimps for research any more, we can have them do all the things congress refuses to pay people to do. like rebuilding our bridges or paving our highways. i mean it would be so much better because a chimp on a tricycle is funny but a chimp on a steamroller, hilarious. come to think of it, why don't we just put the chimps in congress. after all, they've got a lot of experience-- (cheers and applause) -- they've got the experience you need. they jerk off in public and throw [bleep] at each other. folks, what a happy, wonderful, attractive group of people. folks, some people see the grass as half empty. i see the grass as half full. of urine, unfortunately.
but this is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. (cheers and applause) ladies and gentlemen, you know there is nothing more important than a quality education. except perhaps a quantity education which is dr.i went to the 6th grade three times in a row. hang in there, buddy, it gets better. now i'm no fan of the department of education but i do like their new common core standards. >> which are going to be less emphasis on reading literature and more on reading memos and instruction manuals. so i was ready to give the common core an f for fantastic. then i saw something that made me change that to an a for angry. jim? >> 45 states adopting the obama administration's common core curriculum which does not require that cursive be taught in school. >> there are many children today who can't even read cursive writing let alone write it. >> stephen: written off. >> cursive writing is no longer part of what is
called quote, unquote, the common core state standards. this means that cursive is no longer considered a core skill that youngsters must learn. >> stephen: nation, that cranky raisin is right. the obama administration is waging a war on cursive, or possibly a wayne on lursive, it's kind of hard to tell. didn't quite finish that there. that's why i'm giving a big tip of the hat to the penmanship patriots over at the campaign for cursive whose logo is, naturally, a disembodied human brain with eyes and a mouth giving a thumbs up saying cursive is cool. it is easy to remember because it will haunt your dreams. as handwriting teacher jan olson points out there are plenty of reasons to keep cursive around. >> cursive is the fluid style of writing. the connections makes the
letters flow together and it is actually faster for students to write and get their thoughts down on paper. >> stephen: yes, it is so much faster. i mean look how quickly that child wrote a-r. she-- think about it. that was like-- 11 seconds. and now she's almost a third of the way through arduous. (laughter) plus as master penman michael sull explains cursive connects kid to our nation's history saying they won't be able to read the constitution, the declaration of independence or anything written during the civil war. great, now those national treasure movies won't make any sense. so keep up the good work, campaign for cursive. and be totally independent, impartial and completely objective group behind the campaign, the american handwriting analysis foundation whose logo, as you can see, is not in cursive. looks like they've already lost, folks.
the handwriting's on the wall. and no one can read it. next up on the tip wag, wag, wag, i'm tired of conservatives being accused of being insensitive to black people. we get it. now i'll have you know over this break i watched all of roots performing on jimmy fallon. really opened my eyes to the cruelty of jimmy fallon. well, folks, on sunday republicans proved once and for all that they are sensitive to the black experience by commemorating the 58th anniversary of rosa park's courageous bus protest. the rnc took to twitter saying today we remember rosa park's bold stand and her role in ending racism. now i know what you are thinking. s this's not right. it was really more of a bold sit. folks, i've never been a fan of rosa parks. i don't get what the big deal is i refuse to give up my seat all the time.
i don't stand up for pregnant women, the elderly or even for rosa parks. i stole her seat at a benefit to sit closer to oprah. i say you snooze, you lose rosie. i-- (applause) i don't want to toot my own horn but i am the rosa parks of not giving up my seat for rosa parks. nevertheless, i am giving a tip of the hat to the rnc for reminding everyone that rosa parks ended racism. the moment she refused to get up from her seat in december of 1955 racism was over. the end fade to black. or fade to chinese, whatever. it's all the same now. so bravo, rnc, for finally giving proper credit to rosa parks. and if anyone out there does not agree that she deserves it, then you're a racist which you cannot be thanks to rosa parks. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) (!-x®,xi&l.t@ uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
>> welcome back, everybody, folks, you know, i believe as a wealth american i'm constantly beseiged by legions of mooferners who want a piece of the pie. i say back off. if i got any extra pie i'm feeding it to the birds because they don't get all mad when i make them sing for it. this is colbert platinum. quick reminder, folks, this segment is for platinum members only. if you are's not watching this on a hover flat screen trimmed with unborn leopard pelt why don't you scamper off to t.g.i. fridays, tell them it's your birthday, maybe get a free mudslide. all right, platinum nation,
we're always looking for new ways to escape the big government tax machine so as much as i love this country, i cannot wait to get the hell out of here and on to a kick ass boat. >> drifting away from the rest of the world, we now have the freedom chip, the one mile long 25 story tall megaship that is more like a floating city than a boat. it would carry up to 50,000 full-time residents. unclear how taxes would work for people there but they said it will not be registered in the united states. so uncle sam would not be able to get to people on that boat. >> stephen: that's right, the freedom ship with all the slick design of an unfinished parking garage. and everything the stateless billionaire tycoon needs to feel at home. banks, casinos, and a 1.7 million square foot international shopping mall. imagine, an enormous mall you never have to leave because you can't. it's up to you, another orange julius or a watery grave. and as for accommodations,
freedom ship offers the ultimate in high net worth real estate. for as little as 9.1 million you can reserve a water view ultimate apex room boasting such luxury amenities as carpets, lights, and finished walls. what? finished walls! that's like the hot tub of blocking wind. (laughter) freedom ship is also for your freedom children who will receive the finest schooling that underpaid fill pynno deck hands can provide. as part of a world standard system of schools, financial education will be stressed as each and every child is exposed on a daily basis to international commerce aboard the ship. yes, students will learn important business concepts like negotiation, crisis management, especially once you're boarded by the somali pirates. the way i see it, folks, there are only two things from preventing me from boarding tomorrow. one, freedom ship has not
yet been built. so it's a little early to measure the drapes for my luxurious finished walls. two, by their own admission, freedom ship will be subject to international maritime law. sorry. that's too much law for this guy. even if it does allow me to gamble on white rhino and then snort the loser. so i have, oh way, it works. the ledge ens are true. okay. so i have deviced my own escape for billionaire ex-pats. stephen colbert's liberty deridgeable. finally a place where america's wealthy can take to the skies, shatter the chains of international law and find their own destiny as long as it is downwind. we'll be right back uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu .
>> welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight, why do i have to pay that lady in a cop uniform to frisk me. please welcome bryan a stevenson. (cheers and applause) thanks sop much for coming on. good to see you. okay, sir, you are the founder and executive director of the equal justice initiative. an organization in birmingham. >> montgomerie. >> stephen: okay. excuse me, montgomerie, alabama. and you challenge bias
against poor and minorities if in the criminal justice system and work with people on death row. >> yes. >> stephen: and you have been named the mcarthur genius grant and all that good stuff. you also have the longest standing ovation on record at a ted talk. what were you talking about that got those brainy types all excited? >> wbltion i was actually talking about conservation and the challenges because we put so many people in prison, impose harsh challenges. >> stephen: what is the challenge. we have mass incarceration that was our goal and now we have a chiefed it. >> we've also really devastated communities of color, poor communities. we created despair and hopelessness. we've sppbt a lot of money. we're now spending $80 billion a year to keep people in jails and prisons. we create a lot of bad collateral consequences. people lose their right to vote permanently. >> stephen: prisons have gotten better, you have to admit that prisons have gotten better in the last 20 years because 20 years ago they weren't turning a profit. and now they are, those beds
are full. >> well, actually they're turning a profit for a handful of people but they are getting that profit by taking money from education and taking money from human services and taking money from the needs of the elderly. and basic taxpayers. they've gotten actually worse. we're now overcrowd. we're now tolerating abecause and rape and dysfunction. and actually the conditions of confinement in this country have never been worse. >> stephen: you say this is affecting young plan men. give me the disproportion. what dow mean. >> the bureau justice supported that one in 15 people in this country can expect to go to jail or prison. but one in 3 black males can expect to go to jail or prison. we actually have policies that are directed at communities of color, poor communities, drug laws that we enforce selectively against people of color. and-- . >> stephen: you're saying we should not enforce our drug laws. be soft on crime, that is what i am hearing. >> i'm saying we should enforce them fairly. we shouldn't only enforce
them against the poor and minorities. because when we do that we are actually creating a system that is racially biased. >> stephen: okay, but listen, that is if you believe that race matters, okay. i don't see race. all right. i'm not a racist. i've moved beyond it you know, you are,, people always tell me you're black. are you a black man. >> i am a black man. >> stephen: have you been to prison. >> i have been in a prison. i haven't actually been sentenced to prison. >> stephen: how do i know if you are actually black or not. >> well, part of what happens is that actually we do have this legacy that suggests that race does matter. and you can see-- . >> stephen: why would it matter? >> well, it matter because we first enslaved people in this country. >> stephen: i know, i know, don't rub it in, man. (laughter) >> and we didn't end slavery. we transitioned from slavery to 100 years of terrorism. and that terrorism-- . >> stephen: what dow mean. >> well, it means that actually for african-americans the 100 years following slavery were
defined by racial terror. they had to worry about lynching, hate crimes, they to worry about violence and intimidation and that was followed by decades of segregation and insubordination and humiliation which is what jim crow laws did. >> stephen: so can i blame this on muslims? >> no. you actually, we are all actually responsible for our failure to tell the truth about our racial history. >> stephen: so you too, you are a black guy, right. >> everybody. >> stephen: people tell me i'm white and i believe them because i feel terribly guilty about this conversation. so black people have some burden in this. >> well, yes, because we actually have to get the entire country, blacks, white, latino, religious minorities, everybody to be more truthful about what discrimination and bigotry does to us all. >> stephen: what it used to do, rosa parks ended it. >> i heard you say that. >> stephen: not me, that was the rnc. >> well, actually, i still see tremendous racism, tremendous racism. >> stephen: we have a black president. >> we do.
>> stephen: we have a black president-- hold on. we have a black president. what part of we have a black president don't you get. >> well, i get that we have a black president. it seems that we have a black president that's actually not allowed to talk about race because he is a black president. which speaks to this dynamic of how we have to deal with our past more truthfully with a commitment to reconciliation. and we're seeing it play itself out now. too many kids of color are presumed guilty. they walk around, they are assumed to har was,. >> stephen: some young black men do commit crimes. >> no question. >> stephen: doesn't it logically follow that all of them do? >> no, because-- . >> stephen: for safety's sake. >> no, because actually some young white men commit crimes and young white girls commit crime and older white men commit crimes and republicans commit crimes. we're not going to colleges and universities doing drug raid, we're go together projects, the poorest and most desperate areas, that is where we do mass arrests. >> stephen: i got a lot of viewers in college dorm rooms right now.
>> that's right. >> stephen: you are saying the cops are not coming for them. >> that's right. that's exactly right, yes. >> stephen: i don't know, what's that sound, guys. bested, busted. >> but for your-- but for people who are in poor communities and urban communities and rural communities, where there has been generational poverty, my client, the kids i work with, 13, 14, fell me that they don't expect to get past the age of 21 without being arrested an incarcerated. it that community i'm really worried about. >> stephen: i know are you so anti-racist, you know. why then dow live in alabama? because you know what it's like down there, right? why don't you move someplace where there is no racism like chicago or boston. >> well, actually, i have lived in bostonment and i have to report that there is actually racism in boston. there's racism anywhere. >> stephen: but you have that charming accent. everybody sounds like good women hunting.
>> if we can make progress confronting racial bias in alabama and south carolina and deep south we can make racial progress everywhere. and we can't tolerate it every-- anywhere. >> stephen: well, good luck. god less. and-- goss bled and stay out of jail, my friend. >> okay, will do. >> stephen: bryan stevenson, equal justice initiative. e righ be righ